I might have lost the ability to express myself using words.

Or maybe words have lost its ability to express my thoughts.

Either way, I’m frustrated.

Bah.

*

Today has been an eventful day. Proceeded to MMI for wisdom tooth extraction, only to have discovered the following from the dentist:

1. I have a cyst in my gums and will probably need Root Canal surgery.

2. The proper scientific term for my misaligned jaw is called mandibular asymmetry.

3. I have mandibular asymmetry most probably because of the fall I suffered as a kid where I hit my chin against the wooden telephone table while jumping from sofa to sofa. Got stitches for those.

4. I am not ugly.

At the end of the day, I didn’t have my extraction, I have to get more referrals, and I can go back to work tomorrow. -jubilation!-

*

Reading is fun. I do like it. But only certain books.

What does it really mean to love something? Or to love someone?

Have you ever felt like you could not live without two people in your lives?

What is it like to be without emotion, without feeling?

Is destiny set by yourself, or by someone?

I have always had thoughts about how I would be remembered when I die.

*

‘Could not live without’ in a sense that without them, your emotions would be so pent up you might die. You would not be able to say what is really on your mind and not care about their judgement.  You cannot imagine a day that they do not bring emotions into your life. You would not be able to take solace in the knowledge that support is always there when you need it. You would not be able to show every side of you so that you may truly express yourself.

I have that.

*

To hear about how North Koreans take grass, boil it with water and add flour to make themselves feel full and not feel a mixture of disbelief, anger, pride, sadness, curiosity?

To see an Airbus A380 take its first flight and not be filled with an amazement at the possibility of human flight?

To taste a piece of foie gras sushi and not roll your eyes in pleasure, but yet consider the ethical dilemmas surrounding the dish?

To feel a dog lick your hands in unadulterated joy and not smile and say ‘Aiyo… so cute’?

To smell the aroma of freshly baked bread and not conjure up images of yourself rolling in bed munching on the most fantastic carbohydrate in the world?

Is that what it means to be emotionless? I can’t imagine it.

*

I guess the joy of reading comes to me now because I am, more than ever, curious to see if anyone else out there shares my beliefs, practices, habits, behaviours etc, and to find the rationale behind those who do not see things the way I do. Plus, it’s a great way to spend your day, with a nice hot cup coffee. Oh oh! In the rain, with you comfortably nestled in a comfy chair at any cafe with a view outside. Oh wa.

*

Soulmates. Life Partners. Husbands. Wives.

I don’t know.

Love and Lust seem to be worlds apart to me.

*

When I think these thoughts, I am not looking into the future. Like right here, right now, if that car hit me, what would happen? What would my funeral be like? Who would read eulogies? What would they say? Who would come?

*

I believe that you have the power to change. Your life most of all.

Some believe that your choices in life have been made because of how you were created and hence, your path has been decided for you. I don’t dispute that. But I don’t necessarily agree either.

Take for example, offspring. When we plan for kids, we plan their baby rooms, their schools, what we hope for them to achieve in life. But who are we to control who they become? Who ever hopes for their son to be a murderer, or their daughter to be a prostitute?

I quote Jostein Gaarder.

“It’s just that I can’t understand why the world couldn’t have been created a little differently.”

“We’ve talked about that already. I’m sure you’ve tried to draw something well many times, but then it turned out slightly different from what you had in mind.”

“That happens nearly every time. That’s what’s exciting about it – you don’t know exactly what it’ll turn into.”

“But then, you haven’t complete power over what you draw.”

Cecelia didn’t answer. After a long silence she said, “If I were to draw something, and I knew that what I was drawing would come alive, I wouldn’t have dared to draw anything at all. I’d never have dared to give life to something that couldn’t defend itself against all those ambitious coloured pencils.”

Who are we to control those whom we did not create? Who will be the eraser to correct the colours that have been coloured on wrongly?

*

Hoo Hoo.

—————————————————————————————-

Hello there.

There have been many times these past few days where I sat down with nothing to do, and simply remembered.

How Bryan told the whole school to keep quiet when they announced second place for X-country, and simply raised out his hands towards the sky when the MC said: Victoria School.

How the things that were said and done that made my mind go crazy all this time. In S’s words, hoo-hoo.

How I felt triumphant for the first time in my life, when Wing Comd shook Ivan’s and Jeremy’s hands before mine.

How fascinated I was watching my pre-school teacher Mrs. Yang eat rice with a fork.

How I met the friends I consider family.

How I started to drift away from my own.

How shivers ran down my spine when all 22 of us would turn up for training, and do the best foot-drills in Singapore.

How when I was 3, I would cry so loud when I woke up and found that my mother had sneaked off to the market, until she had to come home and take me along.

How I soiled my pants in Primary School. Twice.

How my cousin ordered everyone not to cry when my Uncle’s body was about to be cremated.

How.

How.

How.

Really, how?

.

.

.

You tell me. You.

Bottled up.

Then I remembered, that I have a blog, and Facebook has Notes.

————

Just recently, I decided. Something.

For a while, it felt good to, you know, make the decision.

But now, reality hits.

What to do? What’s there to do? What can be done? Will I do it?
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So cryptic.

Not by an aggressor, but by a system, and more sickeningly, by myself.

I was just in the taxi on the way home recently (45 min ago) and the taxi uncle struck up a conversation with me about how many new roads there are now compared to when he was a young boy, and how passengers are ‘interesting’ in how they decide which route the taxi uncle should take, and sometimes assume that the taxi uncle would take.

Blah blah blah.

We were going down Ophir Road toward the ECP and he commented in Mandarin, “You know, this road didn’t even exist. I grew up here and I could memorise every road there was in this area. See this Raffles Hospital (points), this was where people dried stuff (I’m guessing produce like shrimp, fish etc?).”

He rattled on. And my mind drifted.

In the past year, I was consumed by the system. Overwhelmed. I tried so hard to twist it, bend it, fold it, just so it could fit me. By me, I am referring to my working style and my peculiarities (I don’t want to say ‘bad habits’).             (Damn I said it.)          Not once, did I try to fit myself to the system, and focus on the things that mattered: Quality of Relationships, Quality of Conversation, Quality of Collective Thinking, Quality of Results [Core Theory of Success]. I somehow happily allowed myself to be immersed in the never ending process of fighting a virtual battle with an enemy, that’s not even the real enemy, at the expense of my own experience, and those I took charge of.

I bitched. I trash-talked. I joined others in bitching, trash-talking. Worse, I let it get the better of me.

But the past 2-3 months have been fantastic. I have seen more, understood more.
I realised that there are so, SO many wonderful resources out there that are available to everyone. But I wasn’t aware of them, I wasn’t educated about them, and hence, I didn’t USE them.

OL. CEP. Coaching & Facilitation. ALP. Checklists. Cheap, Fast Good. Shoot, Move, Communicate. This list goes on.

But what’s exciting is that now, I do know. And thanks to those who have helped me understand what the **** all those things are, I’m ready to use them.

“You see, even this ECP used to be on water. So much has changed,” says Mr. Taxi Uncle.

Right then, I started to appreciate all that we had. As a nation, there’re countless opportunities and growth for us and the ones we care about, which is that much more worth defending, that much more worth fighting for. As an organisation, there’s a plethora of systems that allow us to perform better. Sure, these are not perfect. But what is?

Whenever I drive into SAFTI at night and go down the Runway, I turn down my headlamps to make it seem as if I’m really on a runway. But at the end there’s always that granite wall, lighted from the bottom with those 5 words that reminds me where I am: Home. Not just any home. But the Home of the Officer Corp.

I have been rescued. That’s for sure. And I am determined to take all that I couldn’t give in the past year, compact it, roll it, stuff it into a ziploc bag and squeeze all the air out. So that when it’s time for me to release it, it’ll be explosive.

Bali will be a good 3 days to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul, so that I’ll be ready to take whatever comes my way.
♦
♦
♦

82/11 OCC Charlie Wing:
Watch, your, front.

Well, not a few, but quite a bit actually.

“When I look at you, I don’t just see one person. I see the men behind you. And every one of those men has someone waiting for them to come home. Ultimately I am not responsible to you, not to this school, but to those at home waiting for their sons, brothers or boyfriends to come home. My results are not measured by your success in this course today, but by the success of your actions in your units tomorrow.”

These words were said by someone of great stature, and I believe this will stay with me for a long, long time.

But why it keeps running through my head, I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve had some quiet-time with myself, but I actually had a moment to do just that today. Perhaps it’s the environment I’m in now; the lecturers, the peers, the place, the programme; everything has allowed me to take a long-overdue step backward, and look at what I’ve done so far.

Reading and listening to others as they recount their experiences, I reflected on my own experience so far in the Force. For a lack of a better word, I compared. And that might not have been the best thing to do, since no two experiences are hardly ever the same. But I did, and inevitably, I feel a sense of regret, the nagging feeling that says ‘Damn why didn’t I do that’ and ‘Shit I wish I had known this sooner’.

I look back at when I first started considering to sign on, and I recounted my motivations. I wanted to be an Instructor in OCS, to train, motivate and inspire cadets so that they may eventually do the same when they are commissioned as officers. I was excited.

But now, after being inspired and motivated by the people I’ve met so far, I ask myself if I have done the same for my boys back in unit. Or rather, have I done enough?

There are now so many things that I have in my mind, and I have truly been rejuvenated here in the Spiritual Home of the Officers Corp. What was excitement when I first signed on, when I got my posting letter, is now peppered with a little bit of regret, that I’d be leaving the place that has played a part in shaping me, the place that contains the people whom I deeply care for, the place that I have grown to love.

As the date draws nearer, I just hope that the time I’ve spent in 3GDS has been as meaningful for the people I’ve worked with, as it has been for me.

3GDS will always be the place that I look at whenever I drive past it on the ECP; the place that I look out for as the plane is on approach to land at Changi; the place that will always be the Home of the Elite.

Always Ready, Ready to Strike.

The one and only.

“I serve with pride, honour and integrity.”

Three months have passed, and for some strange reason, it feels like a significant milestone.

Those who went to BMT would have just seen their first batch of recruits pass out on Tekong Parade Square; those who went to the units would have been through a significant phase of training with their troopers; those who took up staff appointments probably are into the full swing of their jobs, and those who went to OCS are about to start shaping the young leaders of our army.

They say that being an Officer Cadet is one of the best times of your life. Well, I guess there’s a reason why ‘they’ (whoever they may be) said it.

It just hit me all of a sudden how much I miss the times in Charlie Wing. Good ol’ memories of chiong-ing together, slacking together,nua-ing together, doing sai-kang together, laughing together…

I looked through the magazine, and felt a sense of pride like never before. Nostalgia overwhelmed me, and smiles kept coming to my face with every turn of the page. It dawned on me that these 9 months have changed me in more ways than I have realised, or could have imagined.

Amidst all the AIs, Training Programmes, and all the responsibilities as a PC, I have seen the very simple fact, that I am not very different from the men that I lead now. We have all been brought up here, have our loved ones here, and now, are performing a mandatory service to the nation.

But I was privileged; privileged enough to be given a chance to live, train, work and play with 73 other characters in Block 25 of 500 Upper Jurong Road for 9 glorious months. And I don’t think I could’ve gotten any luckier than that.

We’ve grown, from young men, into men of honour and character.
Most importantly, we’ve grown together.

And looking back now, I realise that out of all the tough times, hardship, blood sweat tears and what-not, what really matters is that these memories will probably never fade; and along with the values, lessons and relationships that we’ve gained, we have 01 x awesome Charlie experience that we can call our own.

“My journey here in Charlie has been without a doubt, a phenomenal one, and I couldn’t be happier to commission with all of you.

Keep the Charlie Spirit burnin’ guys.”

I wrote that for the magazine 4 months ago. And I’m pretty sure I’m still feeling the same way I did when I wrote it.

This is for us.
This is for Charlie.

There’s a lot on my mind right now, but I can’t figure it all out. And I don’t know what to write in this empty space to help.

So I guess this ain’t much of an update aye?

Thanks guys. (:

And as usual, my distractions eventually led my thoughts all over the tuckshop.

The same thing is bugging me again. What I once thought was ambiguous, eventually became clear.

Or so I thought, for I am once again, stuck.

It’s really quite simple actually. I think it’s all a matter of choice now.